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Image of storks from my own collection

The first thing she was aware of was the feel of the gentle breeze caressing her cheek.

It was a constant, gentle thing, a cooling wind to blow away the cares of the day. She found herself breathing easily, enjoying the breeze. Each breath she took brought new aromas, opened her senses to more information about this place.

The scent of wildflowers. Of freshly-cut grass. The cleanliness of a river.

A beautiful meadow, she thought to herself, her mind instantly casting back to when she was just five years old, and her parents had taken her and her brother on a family picnic. That one moment, when she was a child, walking in the tall grass.

“Open your eyes, Alice,” the brimstone voice of the demon broke her reverie.

Alice opened her eyes to find herself standing on a small hill, under the shade of a large yew tree. Around them, she could see people about them, frozen in a moment. Some were running after each other. A few were sitting on picnic blankets, sharing food. She even saw a couple kissing passionately, lovers entwined with each other, forgetting the world. Her cheeks turned red and she looked away.

“You may speak, child,” the demon’s voice seemed to unlock Alice’s lips, and she found the questions tumbling out.

“Where is this? What am I doing here? Why is everyone frozen?” Alice found herself hyperventilating, panic rising in her chest for no reason.

“Breathe, child. You are not in danger here. This…” he waited till Alice had taken two deep breaths and released them before he continued, “Is heaven. A place where those who are sinless and those who have done good, are taken to rest. Frozen, in a moment of time, at their happiest.”

“What… what is it that you wish me to do here then?”

“We want you to destroy Heaven,” she looked at him as though he had gone mad.

He grinned, and sat down. Alice could not help but think how absurd it was, that here, in the sunlight, in what was supposed to be one of the holiest places, a demon, complete with horns, cloven feet, and thin tail, was sitting happily on the ground. And looking up to HER as though she was going to do the impossible.

“What?” she blinked and stared at him.

“Corrupt Heaven, Alice. This is the price you will pay.”

“But how?” she took a few steps back from him and held her hands open wide, to emphasise her words.

“I leave that up to you. Let me know when it begins, hmm?” the demon leant against the Yew tree, closed his eyes, and soon began snoring.

Alice did not dare to even think of running away. She had made a bargain, and she would stick with it. The question that arose, of course, was how do you corrupt heaven?

~~~~~~~

Heaven, they say, is a place on earth.

Or that it’s something you work on. I don’t know. And to be honest, I stopped caring a long time ago.

Heaven, to me, is a state of mind. It’s a moment of bliss, a moment of happiness. A moment where everything clicks. When you feel right, and that everything around you is right. A moment that you would want to freeze. So as to remember it forever.

I don’t want to freeze time.

I know I don’t want to die. I have a lot of things to live for. I always had, I’ve just never had the courage to admit it to myself. But that’s beside the point.

I like the idea of Heaven, but I don’t like what you have to do to get there. That separation is painful. And if there is nothing in this life after death, it is also pointless.

Much better to love and appreciate the people around you instead while they are here. Heaven shouldn’t be a place you wait to meet those who’ve gone before. By the time you’ve found out, it’ll be too late.

Heaven should be a place on earth. Or rather, a person on earth.

Moments of happiness. Of life.

I don’t want to leave this plane. I don’t want to leave my friends, my family, my loves. I want to live here. To be here. Eternal happiness is nothing if the people I care about are not there.

Hell, they say, is other people. But I’m willing to be in Hell if my loved ones are in hell. Because my heaven are the people I care about.

And apparently I can care quite a bit.

This entry was written for the 100 Themes Challenge. For the full list, click here.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

Am I happy?

A friend asked me what my goal was, and asked if I was happy.

I think I can answer this the same as I answered her then.

I am happy now. I’m not satisfied with all aspects of my life, but I’m happy where I am now. Career wise, friends wise. Perhaps even relationship wise. I’m happy being single. I’m being me, and for me, at this moment, it is adequate. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin again. Learning to live for myself.

Still so much to improve. So many things to fix. So many goals to reach.

Life is a journey. At this point, I’m happy where my road is. I’m learning new things about myself every day (such as it takes me at least 2-3 false starts before I really get cracking on something) and that I’m horrible when I’m HANGRY. My body’s undergoing changes too, and it’s fitting the life I want to live.

So more good food, more exercise, and most importantly, more sleep. That’s one of the few aspects of my life that I can improve on right now, and which I intend to. With that, good night.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

Cities are full of humans. Like humans, they are complex. They are not soulless, colourless beings so often painted by artists and writers. They are colourful, bright, shiny things with dimensions rarely seen in nature.

Too often, we lament the emptiness of the city.

We call it cold and heartless. We liken it to a jungle, to nature, where the strong survive and the weak perish. We despair that the city drains our souls to leave an empty husk behind.

Too often, we forget, nature is a paradox. Where there is death, there is life. Where there are ends, there are beginnings. The circle of life changes, and yet remains the same.

A city is very much the same.

It is nature of a different sort. Humanity’s attempt to emulate a working, perfect system. Nature’s set up a series of systems that work well with each other. Compensates for deficiencies. Allows for deviation. Robust enough, to withstand whatever she throws at it.

We humans have not yet reached that standard. We have not discovered the way to make all the pieces fit. The compassion to allow each other to fail. The forgiveness that comes with mistakes. The release of fear that makes us fly.

The only thing we have perfected that we learnt from nature is how important it is to survive.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

Updates, updates.

Well, as you can tell, I am alive. The first half of the year has come and is almost gone. There’s just a few more days left till June is gone, and with that, I will have to admit to myself that I will finally be hitting the mark that everyone says a woman is no longer delectable.

Yes, I will be hitting thirty next year.

Honestly, I find it quite amazing that I am even alive this long. I’m a little disappointed by the way my life has turned out, yet I’m surprised at the same time that I’ve come this far.

When I was 5, being 21 seemed like a long way to go. It felt like I was going to be ancient. Not ancient like Roman history, but ancient in the sense I was going to be on this Earth for that long. I never really quite had the long term view of things. It’s mostly all vague ideas and thoughts.

I ended up in writing mainly because as a kid it seemed to be something easy to do. When I was a kid, I thought I would be a nun or a nurse. I wanted to do something to help people. I grew up wanting to help people. It wasn’t enough to simply help though.

My family has a history of helping people. Depending on whom you listen to, the stories either warn us against helping those who weren’t part of the clan, or that sticking for your principles could lead to ruin.

In the family, my godfather is considered one of the straightest in the family. Straight in the sense that he would stand up for his principles. I know my grandmother and grandfather were alternately pleased and yet had a wry amusement about that. He is possibly the only person I know who was let go from his job two months in because he was such a straight and honest guy, he could not deal with the consequences (his job was a legal but ethically wrong kind of job). Some people have that temerity; he didn’t.

That was one of the stories I grew up with.

There’s a strong sense of ethical principle and morality in the family. Comes from being a Catholic, you see.

A Catholic, and I was sometimes impressed upon, from being a Malaysian Eurasian.

No lying, no stealing, no cheating.

There’s a reason why my grandmother was completely ok with her kids and grandkids doing any kind of job, as long as we were not used car salespeople or lawyers.

But I digress.

I remember very clearly my thoughts as a kid. I was lying in bed, looking up at the ceiling. I wondered if I would see my 21st birthday. I didn’t think I had much to look forward to. Age was literally just a number to me then.

So I lived in the moment.

Almost 25 years on, I find myself recalling that with incredible clarity. And I’m a little amused too.

If I had told myself at 5 that I would be a writer, that I would be writing for pleasure, and that I would read for pleasure, I would have looked at myself in surprise and laugh.

Actually no. I was a much more polite and brattier kid then. I’d have nodded my head and then went on to play. I’d then have told the story to anyone and everyone who would listen.

I still do that sometimes.

I found it very hard to believe that I would live to be 21, much less 30.

And if I did make it to thirty, I thought I would be married. I’d still be working, but I’d be married and have my own kids. And that my grandma would love to have played with my kids.

Funny how life turned out.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

Kagum.

Mengagumkan.

In English, as a child, I was taught that the two words above meant “awe” and “awesome” respectively (I am aware that DBP says otherwise, but bear with me here). These days, I feel the word awesome is kinda overused, at least among the net generation like myself. We use the word awesome to admire things that are really respectable and admirable, but they don’t often inspire awe. I don’t feel the word “awesome” has as much punch as the word “awe” does these days, and that is rather sad when “awesome” means so much more than just regular “awe.”

Kagum, and mengagumkan, on the other hand to me, still signifies that awe. It’s that moment of wonderment, that moment of discovery, that moment when you can feel, within your entire being, that the world stops and you simply bask in that awesomeness of the moment. It is that moment that takes your breath away, that moment when you learnt the joy of learning, the moment when you see the sun set and you think, “That is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my entire life” and that moment when you feel you have been swept off your feet and the world has simply stopped.

This is in a joyous kind of way, might I add. Kagym inspires a kind of joyful wonder that grows lesser the older we grow.

Kagum can be used in so many different ways too. As the root word, it can also carry the meaning “amazed” if used in the first person perspective.

“Saya kagum,” can mean “I’m amazed/impressed.” Mengagumkan, on the other hand, has just the meanings “Awesome” or “admired.”

“Dia mengagumkan” is “He/she is amazing.” There’s also “Saya mengagumkan dia,” which translates to “I admire him/her.”

Such a simple word that rolls off the tongue. Kagum is pronounced as “KA” as in car with a silent r, and “gun” with a more rolled off M? Not too sure how to describe it, but I’ve always loved the word “kagum” instead of “awesome.” It just… describes things better.

So the next time you see something that’s struck you with awe, try saying “mengagumkan” instead to them, especially if they know Malay. Tell me how it goes.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

By Tarot.com’s Peace and Harmony reading.

Self Card: Six of Cards
Although a fond look at the past is pleasing and refreshing, your fulfilment lies in the future.

The card in the Self position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now, including how at peace you are with and within yourself.

The Six of Cups symbolizes nostalgia and its power, illustrating two sides of your nature. When you look back at the past, your emotions soften; you feel tender, open and sentimental. When you look to the future, you know your will must harden; you need to be more powerful, directing the flow rather than following.

In the past, you were younger and lighter. Issues were also less complex and confusing. You were not empowered in the way you are now, however. The present is full of fresh potential while the past is two-dimensional, a snapshot of times gone by. It’s fine to enjoy nostalgia and sentimentality, but when you have finished refreshing yourself in the waters of memory, come back to the present with energy for the future, where your scope is so much broader.

Verdict: Too true. And painful.

Situation Card: Four of Cups

The situation contains potential. You will need a strong, clear sense of direction in order to fulfill it.

The Situation position refers to the general set of influences that surround you and affect your personal experience of peace. We all have to deal with conflict and are affected by the process.

When the Four of Cups is in this position, your situation is filled with possibilities not yet activated. Vast potential is languishing, taking a nap in the sun as it were. Something exciting, focusing or catalytic is required to get things moving in the direction of fulfillment.

The situation is begging for direction or a new statement of purpose. This is both good and bad. On the upside, anything is possible; all the raw ingredients for success are in place. On the other side, without leadership and a clear goal, the results are likely to be unfocused and chaotic.

Look inside yourself to get a sense of whether you are the hand bringing in the fiery cup or whether you are the one witnessing an opportunity that is waiting to happen.

Verdict? Hmmm…

Challenges Card: The Lovers

Opposites can be brought into harmony.

The card in the Challenges/Opportunities position reflects how you can use creativity and skill to turn conflicts into harmonious understanding.

The Lovers challenge you to distill the best from seeming opposites and create a new mixture. Rather than thinking of them as opposing each other, consider these two elements as right and left hands.

Harmonize these opposites and you will heal a rift that will greatly expand your awareness. If you pit one side against the other, however, you will slide back into unconsciousness. Share whatever you learn from this experience.

Verdict? There is much potential here…

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

A peculiar witch dashes into the outlook.

Now that brings up some interesting story ideas.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

One of the things you learn in NLP or Neuro-Semantics now is how to take control of your mental frames and thoughts. Frames are what enable us to move throughout the world and to make sense of what’s happening, aka your state of mind.

You know how some people seem to be able to accept everything that happens to them with an open heart and mind? It comes with having a frame of mind that’s open and respectful of whatever’s happening around that person. A beautiful frame, right?

One of the newsletters I get in my email is the Neurons reflections by Michael Hall. I usually give them a skip because I don’t have the time to read them (it almost always seems to come in when I’m too tired to think or at work), but today’s one made me stop and think.

Today’s newsletter was about the burning of the Quran in Afghanistan. Based on what I read, basically the soldiers there were stupid enough had burnt some Quran, and there were now riots in Afghanistan because of that.

Michael Hall’s conclusion was that the issue laid in the intolerance frame people had. Basically it is the frame that believes your own understanding of reality is absolute, and anything that contradicts or threatens that is something to be destroyed. His exact words were:

The cause is the kind of thinking and mental framing that sees something one does not like, approve, and believe in as something that gives me the right to violently hurt and punish another person.

Note: Me in this case refers to the hypothetical belief of the person and not Michael Hall himself.

What is missing from such a frame is usually the element of respect. It is the problem of forcing others to conform to our beliefs instead of respecting them. In that respect, it sounds a lot like a laissez-faire view; let others believe what they want to believe until it steps on others.

Which I think, is the right way to view things. And perhaps the best way to handle religion. Let a person do what they want to do unless it harms themselves or others. For me, the easiest and biggest indicator of harm is physical harm done to a person. That’s the point you step in to offer help and if necessary, intervene.

There are a few other points that are just as contentious, but I’ll stop for now cause the battery on Rydeen is running just *that* bit low.:P

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

One of the things I learnt about the recent Neurosemantics NLP course is to be aware of my choices. From the choice of to stay in bed or to get up, or the choice to drive, or the choice of how you eat, these are all choices. Our bad habits are also choices. The good news is that because they are choices, they can be changed. The bad news is that because they are choices, they can be changed. :P

One of the most important things I’ve learnt is how to stand back and evaluate my choices. When a choice is made, there are three experiences you could choose from:

1. To create a new experience
2. To end an experience
3. To maintain the current experience

Choices are powerful. At the end of the day, you are only responsible for how YOU feel and act. No one else. How you choose to react, is your own choice. There is no such thing as “That person makes me angry.” It’s more of “I choose to get angry with that person.”

Which would probably explained how I survived those years in customer service. :P I rarely chose to get angry. I did, however, choose to smile and plod on.

Ok time to roll to work.

PS: I am now a certified NLP practitioner. :P

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.

Menstruation.

Menopause.

I wonder why is it that both these processes, which involve bleeding, have the word men in them.

Menopause for me, is especially interesting. This particular time period for women is often associated with wild mood swings, insecurity, and changes in both a woman’s body and her attitude. It also means the end of a woman’s fertile period, because it is at this time that she stops menstruating.

Therefore, I wonder why they call it menopause. Is it a kind of hopeful longing that these women would one day be fertile again? That their reproductive systems would one day refunction as and when the men need kids? After all, that’s what the word implies to me.

Men-o-pause. Pausing for men. Or something like that.

Or it could be the realisation that “Men, oh!” with a pause of realisation.

Or even better yet, women in this stage make men pause. Hopefully this implies that they then think before they speak. Men I mean, not women.

The funny things you think when your hormones screw you once a month.

Original entry as appearing at Ink to Screen.